Well, the big thing here in San Diego right now is ESPN's X-Games. The X-Games is a very unique athletic event, designed with one simple goal in mind--to foster and develop illiteracy, by taking ordinary English words and make them seem more cool by dropping letters. For example, the "X" in the X-Games stands for "extreme." The word "extreme" has been part of the English language since at least the 16th Century, and English speakers have been in agreement on its spelling for hundreds of years.
As an adjective, "extreme" means going to excessive lengths. But the people involved in Extreme Sports were satisfied with neither this definition nor the accepted spelling. So they dropped the letter "E," making the term seem much cooler, while at the same time adding a subtle nuance to its meaning.
Yes, the X-Games are proof that people will try just about anything--even things that common sense will tell them that the human body has no business attempting--and the very dedicated ones will continue to try it until they can do things that even modern science will not attempt to explain.
The bulk of the X-Games involves doing tricks on bicycles, skateboards, and inline skates on and over ramps and other obstacles. Most of these tricks have names like, "frontside revert 720 stalefish drop knuckle grind." This poses a problem for ESPN because none of their sportscasters can tell a backside reverse 540 fishtail knee slide from a frontside inverted 900 Charlie-the-Tuna elbow waffle, so they have to hire other skaters to tells us what we are looking at. What ESPN doesn't know is that the skaters they hire don't know the difference either. They just make it up as they go along. If you listen real carefully, you'll notice they never call the same trick the same thing twice.
Of course, there are certain events in the X-Games that really don't cut it, like sky surfing. Sky surfing isn't really even a sport, much less an xtreme sport. It's parachuting with a snowboard strapped to your feet. When they start doing sky surfing with no parachutes, then we'll talk.
This year, standup downhill skateboarding was added as a demonstration sport. Of all the events, this is the one that I wanted to see. I wanted to see it not just because I ride a skateboard, but because I knew that the hill they were going down was absolutely insane. I know of people who are afraid to drive down it. The hill ends as it enters the Qualcomm Stadium parking lot, where you have about three feet before you crash into the building. I didn't get to see this event in person, because I found out when it was being held about three days after the event, but I did finally see it on TV.
Presumably, the people at ESPN are watching this very carefully. If it is popular, they will add more demonstration sports next year, like Dental Bullet Catching, Aggressive Finger Hammering, and Redneck Wheelchair Towing.
Of course, the X-Games are very popular, mainly because people enjoy watching other people hurt themselves. There's something morbidly intriguing about watching someone go 60 mph on a vehicle with no brakes. When you get right down to it, the X-Games are the athletic equivalent to snuff films. We really don't care how many different variations there are, as long as we get to see our favorite trick, an unnatural 360 helicopter six-weeks-in-traction face plant.
Nonsense on Stilts was written and created by Chris Sturhann.
Copyright © 1998 Chris Sturhann